Lindsay

It happened on a Thursday night. March 22 2018.

I moved up to the Our Generation Training center as a fresh 18 year old, with big dreams, and an open heart. I moved away from family, everyone I knew and loved, and gave myself to ministry. I would say that I gave myself to follow the will of God, which is what I truly believed I was doing at the time and that was my hearts desire, but no. I gave myself to do whatever I was told in the ministry of Vision Baptist Church and Missions.

I was so excited. There was a timeline, I had a plan. Be a missionary in 2 years! Graduate after your 6 month internship! Deputation in 2-4 years and then the missions field! I was promised all of these things at the 2017 Our Generation “Summit” Conference. “Just come” they told me. “Its Gods will, if you feel called then do it” “don’t let the devil hold you back”. Turns out their “devil” was common sense and reason.

Let me describe the feeling of walking into those doors for my first class at the Our Generation Training Center. Joy, pure joy and excitement. I had all my ducks in a row, I read all of the pre-course materials and prepared my papers. I still had no idea what was going on. See, the training center (TC) had no structure. There was no acceptance or enrollment, no tours, no explanation on how classes work, credits, you have to talk to the head of the TC (Robert Canfield) to even get any information on classes or what to do. In reality I got all my information from current students. So, no I was never actually sent an acceptance letter. I just applied and moved up 3 months later to an unstable ship that was poorly run. It took me several weeks to truly get started. The priority was classes but you had to pay for them so I had to get a job. You have to pay rent to house there so I had to get a job, I had to survive, on my own, for the first time. I had no help. I survived a full month before I got a job. The only kind of job that would let me off for every single event and Sunday, that I could work at after classes that lasted all morning Monday through Friday (Friday lasted until 1pm). It was minimum wage. And I barely worked 20 hours a week. Especially in high event months. We were supposed to pay rent, pay tuition, give tithe, get food, and pay all adult bills on 20 hours a week at minimum wage. They still complained when we didn’t make it to an event or class because we stayed up late doing homework or working late for more hours. They run you to the ground and that’s the first tactic.

I remember a particular time in my life at the TC, I had begun my very first relationship. I was 18, I had never been in a relationship previously but at the TC there is a lot of pressure to find a mate and get married as soon as possible. You can be a single missionary but you’re severely looked down on and you’re forced to come off the field for every event and conference so that you can find a mate as soon as possible. Second tactic. Anywho, my first ever relationship, and it lasted two weeks. I didn’t feel that I should be forced to be in a relationship with someone I wasn’t attracted to. We talked for months but when we started our actual dating relationship I simply felt that it was wrong to continue. This started one of the worst seasons of my life that would eventually lead me to be prey. When we broke up this clique formed. It was the top dogs in the TC. They did everything in front of leadership, did everything they asked, were all about how they looked to leadership. Now it’s important to know that while I cared what leadership thought of course, I did not do all of my ministry work in the open. I didn’t brag and I certainly didn’t boast. I didn’t fit in the clique. I actually wanted to do things because I wanted to serve just the Lord, I wanted to grow my relationship with God and I didn’t much care who saw it just that I knew in my heart what I did every day was right. Now this crew, will remain unnamed. Most I think are ashamed of how they acted at this point.

Basically the TC is a high school. You have your mean girls, your jocks, your nerds, and normal people.

This crew were the popular kids and they were bullies. To this day I still don’t know all the lies they spread about me or all the things that they talked about when I wasn’t there. All I know is that suddenly I was alone, and I was hated. I was never invited anywhere with this group anymore, I was never helped with events or classes. It was a personal hell. Thankfully this eventually led me to one of my best friends but during this time I had no one and cried often. I even apologized to each and every one of them to see if I could ease the tension and become friends again. It didn’t work. Lies spread about me till I left the TC. Now if the leadership knew about this or participated I don’t know. All I know is that no one helped me.

There came a time in every TC girls life that she was put in charge of an event. My first event unfortunately was during this awful time period. I was so excited and then I discovered that I couldn’t make it off work for the event, however that didn’t stop me! I planned and planned and the week finally came and… I asked for help. None came. I did this in group chats where leadership were present in and.. nothing. It’s as if this Clique wanted me to fail. They wanted to watch it crash and burn and then I’d finally realize I wasn’t good enough to be there. Crash and burn I did not. I shopped by myself for everything, set up the decor with the help of one teenager in the church and one of the guys set out tables. I made a list of everything that everyone had to do when they finally showed up that day, I went early before work to make sure all the food and everything was in order and I again asked the girls to please complete the list. All I got in reply was “well you should have been here”. It was a beautiful event but I was not in the least bit proud. I was destroyed. I was alone. You see, you can work as hard as everyone else or harder but you can still be treated as the lowest in this culture. The reason for this? You can be working hard for God but if you don’t work hard for the leadership you don’t progress. They can keep you in the TC for as long as they want until you’re conformed and obedient. They say it’s 2 years of training but I was forced into 4. At that point I was pouring money into something that I wasn’t getting anything out of. I asked and asked to be sent out on my internship (6 months in a different country) and even discussed with several missionaries that I would like to go with but I was never ever told that I could go. I was waiting for 2 extra years. Why?

Because something happened to me that should never happen under the direction and guidance of spiritual leaders and they told me it was my fault.

In this toxic culture one of the things that is pushed and shoved in your face is the need to get married. Especially if you are female, because you’re being trained to be a missionary wife and mother. If you’re not actively dating you’re seen as not following Gods will and if you are actively dating or constantly having crushes you’re seen as flippant and silly. Basically you have to date just one person there and get married in about 3 months. If they are 15 at the time then you’re allowed to wait till they are 18 and steal their childhood. This happened twice while I was there at Vision. Austin Gardner called them “Perverts” but didn’t dissuade them from this course of action.

I dated my first boyfriend at 18. My first real relationship. The beginning was nice, quick looks and smiles in the hallway or in class, secret messages and seeing each other in large groups of people. My first red flag should’ve been that he never wanted our relationship to go public. I thought it was just protective because once people know then you’re gossiped about and everyone talks about marriage. When you’re in the first month of a relationship you don’t want that. My next red flag should’ve been him showing up to my place of work after hours to “talk”. I thought it was romantic, turns out most boyfriends don’t show up after work every single night of your relationship, in the dark. Maybe that’s my fault for being so new to any relationship at all. I was naïve, and young and just wanted to get married so that I could be sure I was going to the mission field.

As this relationship progressed it became more and more abusive and toxic. I spent all my extra time with him and not with any of my friends, he isolated me and then began manipulating me and forcing me into physical acts that I knew were wrong and I didn’t want to do. And then he would have fits and say “we shouldn’t have done that” but when I didn’t feel guilty I thought something was wrong with me but in reality it was because I was not the one doing wrong. I didn’t take those actions. There were many times we would just be kissing and he would force my head down and I would get mad and scream at him that I wasn’t that kind of girl and he would apologize and just get me back to kissing him and then put my hand on him. I guess I thought it pacified him so I let it happen. It was just little things like that until he convinced me to do more and more that I was not comfortable with. We broke up 6-7 times in 3 months. It felt like way more. The entire time he also messaged other girls and remained fixed on one underaged girl in the church. While at the end of our relationship asking my dad to marry me. After our relationship ended those girls would come to me and tell me everything and I wish they had told me before.

The night we broke up *finally* was the night everything in my life changed for the worse. You’d think in a breakup you’d just.. break up and walk away. But he said he wanted some privacy. My first warning. He was also acting very angry and bit me very hard in front of a young man he was supposed to be discipling. Leaving a bruise that would last for weeks. One of the marks left on my body that night that I never allowed or asked for. Why I still went with him after that I’ll never know. I was manipulated and “in love” and no one was watching me or cared.  No one was protecting me. I was 18.

He didn’t want me to take my car. He wanted me to get in his car with him and he drove me to a trailer park and parked in the back where no one could’ve seen or heard what was going on. But still I stupidly trusted him. He was a Christian, a preacher boy, a student in the Training Center, who was also manipulative and was deep into pornography. Right under everyone’s nose. The man discipling him just told him “just get married that’ll solve your porn problem”. I was the unlucky target of a very disturbed boy. It started as usual, me crying and not wanting to break up, him saying it was for the best and asking if he could kiss me one last time. It of course led to more and got heated. I just wanted to please him so I could keep him. I didn’t want him to break up with me so I did what he asked. We were taught to want to get married and be submissive. He pulled me into the backseat with him, I put my hand on him and tried my best to do something I had no idea about. He just got mad and took it off. I apologized so much to him that night. He just shut me up and continued violating me. Striped parts of my clothing off and I tried to hide myself but he got mad and pulled my hands away. He shoved me down and was kissing me when I felt something hit between my legs. My skirt had come up and I had underwear on but I felt the pressure. I screamed and said “no, please, I don’t want to do that” and tried to sit up. He shoved me back down much angrier than I’d seen him and started kicking me with his knee in between my legs. I didn’t realize till I got home that night that I was bleeding. I don’t know why he didn’t rape me, he was right there and could have but I know only the grace of God kept me safe from being forcefully taken.

After that I just tried to calm him down and said that we should be going because we have class in the morning. I was crying for more than one reason. I got home and just took a bath. I felt so dirty. But it was not my fault. I had not seduced or asked for such an act in any way. I was manipulated and convinced that I had to be in that situation and that I couldn’t tell anyone what just happened to me. I thought about going to the hospital to make sure I was okay but I was humiliated. This shouldn’t have happened to me.

It took almost an entire year for me to tell leadership what happened that night. It took about 3 months for the “love” to wear off and for me to even realize what had been done to me. I drove out to a lake and almost ended my life. I thought my life was truly over and that I was dirty and defiled. My friend calling me relentlessly saved my life.

There should never be this kind of low in a Christian environment where you are told that the leadership will take care of and disciple the students. It’s supposed to be life on life but there was no one in my life.

I worked hard at getting my life back on track and found a mentor and friends but it took about another year till I told my mentor what happened and she encouraged me to go to leadership with it. I saw this man continuing to prey on underage girls so I did what I could to protect them. I went to leadership. This was not a decision I made lightly. I questioned myself again and again if I would want to put myself through the trauma of reliving one of the worst events in my life as I am now, I had to think about if I wanted everyone to know, think about him knowing and his retaliation. I still decided in the end that it was worth it. I told Kelli Canfield first, who was horrified, then I told Robert Canfield, who was immediately out for blood. Then it was time to tell Austin Gardner. You’d think that a good Christian girl with a good reputation in the church that had never had problems until now would be believed immediately, but it was more like an interrogation. I was told to give every single sordid detail which I thought was grotesque. I did not want the event on full display. I did it anyway because I was told to. I was offered the chance to call the police. In my mind calling the police would do nothing but disturb everyone. What could they do? I had no proof. I felt hopeless. The next day I was called into a room of all of the leadership in the OGTC, my friend Leslie was there who I told and my mentor who held my hand the entire time as I was once again put through interrogation and torture of reliving. Austin got very angry at the end and tried to force me to go to the police. He had everyone in the room say to me to tell them so that he would have no guilt I guess about me rejecting that offer, or that I couldn’t come back and say they didn’t tell me to. That doesn’t matter to me, I didn’t want to go to the police, I wanted everyone in leadership to know that there was a predator among their sheep. I wanted them to know so that they wouldn’t let him preach and teach or be around young girls. Man did that backfire. I emailed AG to get an update and just see if they talked to him yet, I got told I was invited to another meeting. At the third and final meeting (they had talked to Angel at this point) I was called a liar, told I was stirring up trouble, told I was only acting out of jealousy because I still had feelings for him, asked if I had also made out with another guy on our trip to Peru (of course not). I couldn’t even touch a man after what happened to me. I was told not to think about it anymore and Austin Gardner never wanted to hear about it again. I sat stunned until I drifted out of the room. At that point I regretted not calling the police but I still didn’t want to hurt the church. That was imbedded in your thought process at OGTC. Immediately after this meeting was Friday class and almost the entire class Austin Gardner let loose about how girls need to “stay out of the backseat of a guys car”. I sat there in utter humiliation the entire class. I was crying, I couldn’t believe the breach of trust, the horrible way I was painted. I didn’t know how many in the room knew the full story. I assumed he told whoever he wanted. I didn’t go to work that day. He never mentioned how a man shouldn’t attack a woman, no no. A woman should never put herself in that position. He might as well have shot an arrow into my heart with a note that said “your fault”.

At this point I had no idea what my abuser knew, I knew he looked at me in anger but I didn’t know if he knew I told them. I saw him walk the halls and live the high life. Continuing to preach and teach and be praised in the church while my reputation was ruined. How did this happen? This happened to me?! How was this my fault?

It wasn’t. But for 3 more years I was made to believe that I could not do anything in ministry because of this stain. I joined a Spanish ministry and was pulled out because I was a “liar”. I tried so many times to start a ministry or get involved in some way and I kept being pushed back. I spent so many nights in tears because I was trying so hard to do all of the right things and it was never enough.

I only started to realize what a terrible system it was when I moved out of the “girls house”. For a while I lived with a family in the church and they were so good to me. Then I was able to move out and live in a basement apartment by myself, although leadership said it was a bad idea because I wouldn’t have “accountability”. Which means I wouldn’t have anyone spying or gossiping about me to leadership. I lived an hour away from the church and that peace and separation was so needed. I started deciding for myself which ministries I would be involved in, I studied the word in my own time. I grew into my own and started realizing how horribly I had been treated. It was easier for me to make the decision to leave then. Because once you’re out, and you can see it all clearly, you leave. There’s no question of staying, because it’s so vile it makes your stomach sick. How they treat people, hold people to standards that are completely unrealistic, hide sin and violate people and their trust, they humiliate people who tell the truth about them,  they tell you to live for God but you’re living for them. They praise and praise you and then drag you through the dirt. I’ve witnessed this myself and I’ve seen it happen to my friends there. It’s a broken system with broken leadership. People that should never have the power that they do. Don’t send your daughters, don’t send your sons. Everyone puts on a great show but underneath lies the rot. “Be more” they say, “do more”. Work until you bleed or give up.

They’ll be there for people, give them money or what else but a month later they’ll expect you to move on and continue to serve. No matter the grief. They’ll even manipulate you in to teaching about the grief and what you went through. Forcing you to bring up the pain again and again for manipulation tactics that you’ll use as a missionary. To tug on heartstrings and wallets. They did this after my mother passed away. At first it was all love and giving but after a few months they tried to drag me back into the work. I had left teaching and awana after feeling like I was empty and could not fill young hearts if my own was not filled. I was not in the word because the pressure of it all threatened to pull me under. I just missed my mom but I was told when I quit "Why are you quitting? You're not following Christ." "You need to move on and do for others and not think about yourself and your grief."

All this is only the tip of the iceberg. Below in the depths is the vast sexual sin that is housed by so many there. Sex is talked about in almost every Friday class. Women told to have sex with their husband so that he doesn’t watch porn. Women told to wear makeup and fix themselves up so their husbands don’t stray, women told to dress right so they don’t attract attention to their butts or breasts. Porn is talked about till Austin is blue in the face. Men are punished openly and humiliated for their problem. Couples are gossiped about for their marriage problems openly. Women have been told to send pictures of themselves while their husbands are gone away so they don’t look at porn. Told to do whatever the man wants in sex even if it disturbs them. Girls are humiliated for their dress. I myself was talked about in a Friday class as a new student. I had taken off my jacket one Sunday and my dress was tight around my bum and the next Friday it was talked about AT LENGTH. How girls should cover up and not bring attention to themselves. I wondered who he was talking about and the girls told me “it was you”. I felt dirty and horrible and threw out the dress. It was not my fault.

Austin Gardner claims that all men are perverts, including him. He looked at me the same way he looks at all women. In a perverted manner. This is how he teaches and breeds his men to act. Women are made out to be harlots and liars and are made a lower class. We belong in the background serving. They literally have a conference called “women behind the scenes” why should we be behind the scenes? I never thought to ask.

The other leadership never stopped or questioned this behavior from Austin. They enjoyed it, relished in it, believed in it, believed in him, worshiped him. They still do, no matter where Austin is or what he does he has a following. You can bet he still runs everything even without a “title”.

Why have I written this? About my life there and my experiences? So that it doesn’t have to happen to anyone else. So that the eyes of my friends can be opened. So that the truth can be known. The truth I was told to never tell.

The #1 tactic they, and other abusers use is isolation. They whisk you away with dreams and ideas and then they take you from your family, discourage contact, they make your priorities the church and the college, if you have a girlfriend/boyfriend they don’t like, they tell you to break up. If you don’t you can leave. If you have a girlfriend/boyfriend back home, they tell you to break up. It’s so that they can isolate and control you. Your priority is to impress leadership and kneel at their feet for all sources of wisdom. You need council? Leadership. You need questions answered? Leadership. And don’t you dare go ask your home pastor, he doesn’t know anything. Don’t ask your parents, they don’t understand what we are doing here. Only the circle, only Vision cares about you. There’s no one outside. Stay with like-believers and don’t be influenced by your old family or friends or church. Your parents don’t know anything. They don’t know what we do. They don’t know why we do it. You want to get to the missions field? Let ME tell you how. Let ME tell you who to marry, when to get married.

Vision lets 15-16 year olds be courted by 18+ year old predators. So much that it’s normal behavior now. No one questions it. Sure, make jokes, but no one will stop it. These kids don’t even know who they are and as soon as they are 18 they are whisked off into a marriage for the rest of their lives. It’s all they know.

Vision allows women to be treated like trash by their husbands as long as they are “sweet” in public.

Vision taunts and humiliates men until they are forced to leave or bend to the will of leadership.

This toxic culture needs to stop.

Names?

My abuser? Angel Sanchez

Leadership of the culture of abuse, the facilitators? The ones in the room?

Austin Gardner

Jeff Bush

Robert Canfield

Trent Cornwell

And anyone who worships at the feet of these people. Trust me, by the end of it everyone knew my personal story. Repeating it now is not putting something out there that is a surprise to anyone. If you're reading this from Vision, you already know this and already let it happen and be covered up.

They failed me, they have failed others. The good they have done does not justify the horror they have allowed. Nothing has changed. These men are still in power, still hurting people. Still pushing ideas that are not biblical. The change must be to humble, to seek to set things right so that God may have the glory through it all.

I am thankful to have gotten through this horrible time in my life and learned who God really is and how he loves. Thankful for my family and friends who have supported me, thankful that I was able to receive council after leaving this situation and receive true help for the trauma I endured under the leadership at the OGTC.